It's going to be over soon.. I promised
The feelings are fading away. The heartache is going away soon. It will soon be over, this time I promised. I hurt God so much that I'm really guilty. I surrendered everything and said I will follow Him all of my days. He said He had great and perfect plan for me. I'll wait, I'll obey, I'll follow.
God want to deal with me in other areas, in ministries, friends. I believe as Rachel and Kenneth are beginning to start one, I'll be very careful in handling with Rachel because I really foresee she following my footstep, it's like a repeat telecast. Whatever she had said and told people, I've said it and done it before. So I honestly won't be surprise if anything bad were to happen.
I just pray and place my hope in Jesus for all of my days..
I went out with Zelig today and guess what, I was so near our favourite place. So many memorises came back. I really miss those days.
Mun, can we be friends again? I'm not asking for any commitment from you, just friends. "Hi, I'm Michelle, you are"Or should it be, "Hi, how have you been? Busy?"
I'm willing to wait, 5 years, 10 years. I just want you to know that I really love you, I really want to be with you. Mun, will you please come back to me? Can we start afresh again as friends then see if things work out again. This time round be really accountable. Can we?
Did you receive the unsent message? Do you know how I feel? Can you tell me what's going through your mind? Mun, I really love you for who you are. I really do. Please don't leave me.
God, you see my heart. Will you give him back to me? I promise to be good. Please don't be so cruel to me.
Life's like a drama...
I went there just now, maybe I was hoping to see you. But I really missed that place that's why I decided to go there alone. A lot of memorises came back. The last time when we were there, it was almost half a year ago. It was that long. We were there looking at the lights, kissing and you had to go running so we didn't stay for long.
This time round I was there alone. Really alone. At first I was scared. Later I found out that actually that place is just very quiet but not a very dangerous place. Mark told me you would be there but I calculated the time and I think I won't see you at all. I kept turning back to see if I would really see you. Just as I had already given up and told myself I won't see you at all, you appeared. My heart beat doubled it's usual rate. I thought you would pretend that you didn't see me, cause that's was what I intended to do. But you gave that shocking face, smiled, whisper a soft hi and a small wave. I smiled back too.
I was really keeping my fingers cross that I won't see you. So much that I when I want to see you, you didn't appear but when I've given up, you appeared. What's this?
Life is like a drama. I totally agree. I'm like acting a series now. I don't know what's going to happen next. Will you come back or will I happily married someone else? It's so drama.
I'm missing that place again. The other time when we were there, it was so long ago. I want to go there again. It's okay to be there alone but I wish I won't see you there.
Why can't I love the person I love?
Why can't I be the fortunate one to love him?
Why give him then take him away from me?
I know I can't let go, cause I really love him too much.
Mun, did you receive that unsent message that I want to tell you? You won't, never will receive it cause it's written it in my heart. I know you are going to be enlisted soon, I know I really won't see you for some time. I know you had clear forgotten about me. I know. Since the day that you said all those more hurtful things to me, I knew it already.
But I want you to know that I've never dropped you before. It was my fault. If I haven't been stubborn, if I haven't been dependent on you. Do you know how much I want to tell you that maybe we should start afresh again as friends. I know we will not be together again, it's impossible but what I really treasure was the company that we ever had. The time that we spent together even when we were not together. Is that very difficult? You said you won't close the door from me, but apparently you are. It really hurts.
When are you going in? When will I see you again? When will I ever get a chance to talk to you again? If only we have waited, things wouldn't be the same anymore.
Suddenly I miss Harrys so much. The last time we went there was in July. It has been more than half a year. Will I ever go there again? Alone? With you? Guess it's quite impossible to go with you. I remembered during our time out, I told you that you should bring some girls there but I will never bring any of my friends there because it's our favourite place and you said you would but later I know, you wouldn't too.
I really wonder now if you still goes there? Did you bring anyone else there? Still, I have no say over such things. I really wish I could go there with you again. You said we would go during our holidays and it has been so long already.
Mun, I really miss you. I wish I could spend my Valentine's Day with you at Harrys. I wish we could be together on such a lovely and romantic day. Will you come back to me again? I just wish we could still be like before, able to hold long conversations. It's not that we can't do that again, but it takes time. I don't want just to walk pass you and nothing is said and just a fake smile from you and me. I want to talk to you too. I want to hear your voice, your crappy-ness, your laughs.
Can you no be so cold towards me? Can we be friends? Just friends. Is that so much to ask for? I'm really hoping, praying...
Just needed to tell you...
As I was walking towards Ronnie just to say hi and do some catch up with him, you were there, sitting alone. The strange thing was there wasn't anyone there to block my view away from you. I walked along the empty tiles, when I saw you, I really have no idea where to look and no idea why I looked at you and gave a smile. Though you smiled back, I felt that that wasn't the smile that you and I wanted. Memorizes flashed back. We could chat for hours last time but now, it has reached the point of just a smile, not even a hi.
No matter how much I condemned you, how jerk you are to me do you know that I didn't mean it from my heart. There is simply too much that I needed to tell you how much I love you dear, how much I miss you dear, how much I long to bring you back for Chinese New Year, how much I hope to spend my Valentine's Day with you tomorrow. Do you know all these? You don't. Probably you never will.
Cause you never love me at all. You said you will not leave me, but you did.
You know told God that I want you back. I did. I asked God for you. Sometimes I just wish we could be like before- so much to talk about but now, simply nothing, not even a hi.
Are you willing to start all over again as friends? I'll wait for your answer...
If it wasn't you, nothing would happen...
Chinese New Year has been almost the same to me. However, this year is different.
It's a sense of lost, sense of saddness...
When I see my cousins bringing their boy/girlfriend back for visitation, my heart hurts. I look back and wonder why things can't be the way I want it to be and stuffs. My relatives asked too. They ask why didn't I bring my boyfriend back. I so much wanted to too. But I can't. I simply can't do anything.
So much that I even dream that he would be back to me, telling me he regretted, sending regards to my parents. The nasty me would say, it's okay. I've told my parents you are long dead.
I'm dreaming too much, hoping too much. I know that deep inside me, it will never ever happen at all.
I realised too. It's has nothing to do with me, but everything dependant and God.
God spoke..
God spoke to me just now. He said that He wants to bring me up to a higher level in worship. This means it will require more discipline and consecration in my life. But I have to bear this in mind that it is expensive to be effective. Be wise to count the cost and willing to pay the price. Preparation and moulding is essential for longevity in ministry. Those who are promoted quickly also fall quickly.
To be very honest, I don't quite understand the second part of it. One very important thing that I've learnt is that, God really loves me so much that He is giving me a lot of opportunity to grow with Him and in Him. He didn't forsake me, neither did He condemn me because I've sin against Him. I know for sure that things that I've been hanging on, I have to let go.
I need to let go so that God can make use of me, so that He can work in me. I really need time. That's all I ask for. Give me time, more time so that I can let go and move on. I'm trying, really I am. Please don't doubt me.
I want to let go that fish that I've caught. So much that I want to forgive and forget. Give me more time please...
I'm happy to see him back in cell. At least I know he is in Victor's cell. May God bless him and guide him.
Once a sinner, not always a sinner with Jesus Christ...
Everyone has sin, admit it. Be it knowingly, unknowingly, darkest sin, small sin, things that are said or done. I have sins too. My darkest sin is probably that I will never forget.
When Mun Loon and I were together, we did things that were not pleasing to God. Things that we shouldn't have done at all. Like many couples will do, holding hands, kissing. We did all that. We had deep kissing, physical touch, we did so many things, EXCEPT SEX. To be very very honest, we almost, almost did that, but we didn't. I am still a virgin.
This is not something that I should be proud of definitely. Though towards last year, God told me that He has forgiven me and made me pure that I can come back to Him, to me, I feel very tough. I cannot forgive myself for what I've done. I'm not a good girl, I not only disobey Him, I did something that really breaks His heart. I don't know how to tell others how sorry I am to God.
Many people told me that I'm not going through this alone, very comforting words. I thank God for them because it really was of great help. However some things just aren't so easy to let go. Images will come back now and then. Honestly, the more I think of it, the more guilty I get. I wish it didn't happen at all. The worse thing was while all the kissing and stuffs was going on, he said he love me. But the day we broke up, he told Pastor Gordon that love is a very strong word. At that point of time, all I can think of is that he betrayed my trust, my feelings. After all the things he had done to me, after so much that I've given him, all I got back was just apology.
If he had been fair to me, I won't suffer so much now. He seems to have move on. Guys, nothing but jerks. All this seem nothing to him, but it means a lot to me. That's why I really find it hard to let go. That's why I really find it so hard to let go. He is my first relationship, someone whom I really love. So much time, effort put in, it just all seem to go to waste. It's tiring too.
Friends, please don't force your way out to get me healed. I want to get heal too. I want to get out of this too. I know you care, thanks for all your love, prayers, care and concern. I really thank God for all of you.
Unless you really been through it what I've gone through, then you will fully understand how it feels.
