When will this end?
When I see your back disappearing right in front of me, my eyes loses it's focus. Where had you gone? Every time I wish to see you at the particular place, guessing you would be there, at that particular time, but you didn't appear... Not at all.
Today, I happen to bum into you twice. Whenever I'm at the MRT station, I wish to 'happen' to see you, but it just won't happen. Today, when I see you and you see me too, there wasn't any 'hi', there wasn't even a smile, not even a eye contact. It breaks my heart. I didn't want to see you too. Very simple, you won't talk to me, I won't talk to you.
I appeared very cool. I decided to give that train a miss. Watching you simply move on, leaving me behind. I stopped and let you go. I waited for the next train. My heart really hurts. All I see is your back and nothing else. Things I hope for, didn't come true. Things I didn't expect to see, it happened.
What is this? Drama? Game? It's not fun at all.
Eeyore.
The whole world seem to be telling me to just give away that eeyore you gave me. I have 5 now though. I never thought of throwing it away, I never thought that it would bring back any memorizes because I know I like eeyore. But last night, for the very first time, I hug that eeyore he gave me and I cried. I cried so hard.
Memorize came back. I don't know why, but it did. It's not easy. God help me.
When is this really going to end?
I wish...
I wish you were here in my midst
I wish you were the one walking me home
I wish you were the one I last talk to before I pray and sleep
I wish to hear your voice
I wish to see you
I wish you would give me that look like before
I wish I wish...
I wonder how have you been, new look, new hair, new shades. You really seem to move on. I'm glad for you. Honestly, the sight of you make me want to cry. The sight of you every Sunday makes me feels uncomfortable.
Every Sunday, I will look at the exit sign and wait. In my heart, I so much want to see you. When you appeared, I feel happy yet sad. I'm glad you still come to church. But after taking that glance at you, my heart aches and I tell myself I don't want to see you anymore.
You seem so near, yet so far. Whenever you take the initiative to talk to Rachel, Irene, Daphne, Daryl, I will walk away. I know you won't talk to me either. I will overhear what you have to say, I'm really trying very hard not to even hear what you have to say to them.
If it wasn't because of the camp, we would still be friends now, better friends.
When will this end? When will we become friends again? Or will we not at all? I don't deny still having feelings for you. But there is nothing wrong liking someone whom I really like. Why are you doing this to me? Why not you just disappear from me and let me not see you again, never ever again.
If I would to turn the time back, I will still choose you... Because I really love you.
My world... my reveal...
This is a very super private blog that I've created. It's not meant for everyone to see but if there is a need to, I'll reveal it. Here is where I will reveal my true self, here is where I will reveal names, frustrations will truly show. It's probably for me, myself even God to see. It will be total transparent here.
I read Mark's private blog the other day. I was tearing after reading it. Because I realised how similar the process that we are going through / had gone through.
It has been 2 months and 1 week since Mun Loon and I broke up. These so many days have gone. These days are like hell to me. I work day and night, tuitions after tuitions, tutorials after tutorials trying to numb myself. I ask myself why he wants to do this to me, why just drop me like that. All the why-s.
Is he trying to play with my feelings? Toying me? After all the sweet talks then just a "I'm sorry", "love is a very strong word" and wash off everything? I can't accept that.
Honestly, whenever I pass by my favourite place at Woodlands in the train, I will think of him. I will think of our favourite place that we used to go twice a month (Harrys). It was a promise given to me that we would go during our holidays but that was an empty one. It didn't happen and we broke off.
He said he would cook for me, but an empty container given to him, it was given to me back empty.
What's a time out? And it all ended with a break up. Every night after my tuition, I just wish my handphone would ring, even a sms would do from him. But it never happen. It won't happen every again.
I love him too much. So much that I think I love him for than I love God. I'm guilty of that. To think that he is such a jerk, I still like him.
Even now, at my healing process, I cannot bring myself to face him. At some point I do hate him, I never want to see him, mentions of his name from my friends and I even wanted to run away from church. But I told myself I can't let this stop me from serving God in my ministry.
I really wish we didn't break up. I really wish we can be together again. The photo that we took, still in my phone. I can't even bear to sell it away. So many times, I wish I could share my joy, pains with you. But I know I can't.
I guess you have forgotten about us. I guess you have moved on. Probably you have found someone better than me. I wanted the friendship so much, but I guess you didn't want it at all. No more eye contacts, no more msn chats, no more sms, no more phone calls. It has been entirely cut off. Totally. But I can still remember your number, your email, your everything.
