Once a sinner, not always a sinner with Jesus Christ...
Everyone has sin, admit it. Be it knowingly, unknowingly, darkest sin, small sin, things that are said or done. I have sins too. My darkest sin is probably that I will never forget.When Mun Loon and I were together, we did things that were not pleasing to God. Things that we shouldn't have done at all. Like many couples will do, holding hands, kissing. We did all that. We had deep kissing, physical touch, we did so many things, EXCEPT SEX. To be very very honest, we almost, almost did that, but we didn't. I am still a virgin.
This is not something that I should be proud of definitely. Though towards last year, God told me that He has forgiven me and made me pure that I can come back to Him, to me, I feel very tough. I cannot forgive myself for what I've done. I'm not a good girl, I not only disobey Him, I did something that really breaks His heart. I don't know how to tell others how sorry I am to God.
Many people told me that I'm not going through this alone, very comforting words. I thank God for them because it really was of great help. However some things just aren't so easy to let go. Images will come back now and then. Honestly, the more I think of it, the more guilty I get. I wish it didn't happen at all. The worse thing was while all the kissing and stuffs was going on, he said he love me. But the day we broke up, he told Pastor Gordon that love is a very strong word. At that point of time, all I can think of is that he betrayed my trust, my feelings. After all the things he had done to me, after so much that I've given him, all I got back was just apology.
If he had been fair to me, I won't suffer so much now. He seems to have move on. Guys, nothing but jerks. All this seem nothing to him, but it means a lot to me. That's why I really find it hard to let go. That's why I really find it so hard to let go. He is my first relationship, someone whom I really love. So much time, effort put in, it just all seem to go to waste. It's tiring too.
Friends, please don't force your way out to get me healed. I want to get heal too. I want to get out of this too. I know you care, thanks for all your love, prayers, care and concern. I really thank God for all of you.
Unless you really been through it what I've gone through, then you will fully understand how it feels.
posted by Michelle @ 2/01/2005 12:16:00 AM
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