It really freaks me out to know that we like similar things!
I was finding it weird when you took 3 straws for the both of us and it turned out that you were using two straws! I have that habit of using two straws!
Nobody has ever asked me what number I like. Yeah I like 7 because it seems like a perfect number. Never mind about the black jeans and all. And colours, I didn't know yellow and blue are the opposite primary colours. Oh, too much of this makes me wonder if God is really trying to play a punk on me or what.
=)
I'm at work feeling lousy. Not lousy because of my job (maybe to a little extend yes) but because I feel I'm at a loss. To such a point I feel my friends around me don't seem to care or bother about me. To them, I think, it's the people they like hanging out with.
Take for instance, 3 Sept, most of us (the usual same youth group) went to record a video for Simon to bid him farewell. After that they planned to go some where else but nobody asked me. And all they asked was ' You working at 6pm today right? ' I told them who said that I needed to work on that day but they assumed that I was working. For 3 times they asked and confirmed by themselves that I needed to work at 6pm. I was really upset and pissed. You didn't ask a question, you made a statement.
Just last week, Chang Feng had been wanting to get Rachel's number. I didn't want to give him because I know him as a friend and a person. I don't want my friends to get hurt because of this kind of guy. For 3 semesters I kept away from him and not wanting to give him Rachel's number. Eventually Rachel gave him her number in the end at her own account. The worse that I never to hear was from Chang Feng when he told me that Rachel asked him to consider me. For that moment I was really angry. First of all, Rachel know that he is not a Christian so how can u as a friend as non Christian to consider me? Was that meant to be an insult? Secondly, I've told her before how this guy is as a person and I know him since Poly year 1 . So why are you making a ball or some sale item?
On Rachel's birthday, someone gave her an Ipod. I asked who gave it to her and all her answer was "A friend". I honestly can't be bothered to probe further because if she can give me that kind of answer as a friend for so many years, I don't see the reason why she can't give me more ridiculous answers. (Anyway, I found out it was from Jian Long) SO? What's the problem here?
So what about blogs nowadays? Everyone is counting whose blog is more popular with a counter and every time a conversation starts, it will kick off with 'You got read my blog?' If blog have become your way to communicate then I think I don't need to talk to you anymore. Cause I just need to read your life. It doesn't makes sense to me. For goodness sake, my blog has been for 2 years. All these while I've never identified anyone in my blog because I want to keep a certain degree of privacy for you and for myself. I've never like to mention names and what more photos where everyone can see it. Every entry I wrote it with my heart and pride. Do you know that I spent 2 days writing the Ophir's entry? And just by one statement from Rachel in my tagboard it crushed me. She said I copied Emmie's blog. Come on, go take a super good look at hers and mine and do the comparison. I wrote EVERY SINGLE DETAILS and all Emmie wrote was 'TO CUT THE LONG STORY SHORT'. I know you have different people in your life that you want to just be super close with her. I still a human after all. DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A BALL, SPARE TYRE AND AN ALIEN!!
Honestly I asked myself many times whether is there a problem lies with me or with my friends? Joyce left church because of Daryl (that's one of the reasons) and because she also felt that her friends around her had changed. I totally agree with that and I can feel it too. So much about friendships for many years. There are many other incidents that happened which I guess I've long forgotten them. Maybe after so long, these are the most recent ones that really hurt me a lot.
Don't come and tell me that I'm your good friend and you treat me like a spare tyre. I'm not your toy for you be play with.
I'm really tired with the people around me. I can't be bothered to many many extend. You do what you like and don't come near me. Because I no longer trust you anymore. Get lost! I think I don't need you in my life. Somehow friends in Poly are better...
Thank God for this session I had with Rev Irene East and Aunty Phemie. Rev Irene was the one who ministered to me on Monday (11 Sept 2006) in church office and Aunty Phemie just assisted her by prayers and listening to God. I was a little scared and not knowing what to expect. (I shouldn't be going with an expectation but after all it's my first time going through inner healing)
She did the back-to-the-womb experience with me and slowly going through each month and years as I grow up till now. I didn't really feel anything from the time I was conceived till I was 3 years old when she told me that she saw a tricycle and a little. It was me and my childhood days. When I entered my 4 years old as a child, I started to cry and many years after that wasn't like before anymore.
I just needed to cry and she told me to let it all out. She hugged me and said she understood. Somehow I could feel it that she really understood and God too. She prayed and anointed me while I was sitting down and I could feel this very strong force pushing me down and the next moment I was lying on the floor. I felt very sick and nauseous, I didn't puke but just kept burping and she said that was a sign of deliverance too - the spirit of air.
After lots of prayers and confessions my body just kept trembling uncontrollably. I could not control my body and I was lying down shaking hard. After that Aunty Phemie said something about dragon and the were casting out dragon out from me. Pastor Daniel and Aunty Cheng Suan came in later and they were praying for me too.
I really felt physically tired and draining after that. Spiritually I felt very filled and it seemed that my many years of burden had been taken away by God.
On Tuesday, I felt that I needed to cry some more. I was 'hugging' my Bible as I cried. I guess after so much of suppressing for all these years, there just need to have an outlet to come out.
Aunty Phemie called me just now and chatted for quite some time. She gave me the scriptures that were spoken to me and I jotted them down and made it into a card that I carried wherever I go now.
I really thank God for such a love because I know I'm set free and that God really loves me a lot. So much that I cannot imagine.
I hope I don't make the same mistake again. God tell me, show me if he is the one. If he's not then get him out of my mind. I promise I will wait till I turn 21. Though he said he will wait, if he can't wait till I turn 21 then it's okay. God teach me, help me. I cannot afford to make the same mistake again. We will build our friendship these few years before we hear an answer from you. If doesn't mean that he is a Christian and I can just jump into any relationship. I cannot be desperate!!
Finally after 2 months (the last time I saw Daddy was on the 8th Jan 2006) of waiting, we finally met up. I had cell in the afternoon today so my night was pretty free. I called him and he said he would call me back.
Finally when he called, it was in the evening and he was on his way home. Well, I reminded him that not every Friday I am that free. So I went dinner at bison Junction 8 with Eunice. He called again but I didn't get to hear my phone ring because the reception was very poor. I called him back and guess what, he was in Bishan Junction 8 too.
So we met up and he drove me to CHIJMIES for a drink. Very nice Irish pub, with less smoke and we had beer, silken. Very nice beer too, doesn't leave any after-taste kind of feeling. I didn't think I was any drunk though I was very red. I had one pine and he had two. We chatted and stuffs, catching up. He put on a little weight.
After that we called Michael and wanted to play pool. When we reached pool junction, it was so packed that we decided not to play and wanted to go other places to chill. But we couldn't get any nice places so he dropped us at gelling and he went back home. He was very tired.
I really enjoyed this belated birthday celebration. Yeah..
I did a very sinful thing today. I skipped school. Well, skipping school is not any big deal but asking my friend to sign for me is a sin.
Anyway, I can't blog is in that blog if not everyone will scold me. So for the sake of my ears, I'll just write it here. Pastor Gordon called and then we chatted for a while. I was so bored that I didn't want to go for lecture because I was pretty tired too. He then decided to pick me up and bring me to somewhere. At first he said if I skip school, don't ever tell him. Anyway, he told me about his school days, he sleeps in lecture too. Haha, no big deal right?!
We went to Orchard road and he asked where to go for a cup of drink, I then suggested for a movie and then we went to Sun Tec for Harry Potter. It was a pretty boring show, but some parts I was simply too afraid to watch that I covered my face.
After the movie he drove me back to school. I had that every 'sian' feeling that I just wished I could go back home to rest. The lab was so tough I almost wanted to give up.
I'm getting ready for tomorrow's training. Yeah..
Now can you imagine if James were to read all these? What about Aunty Cheng Suan? I think my head will roll. Badly.. Hehe..
I've been struggling with my friends and myself. I have the tendancy to compare myself with others and then it leads to self-acceptance.
For the people in my church, some I've known for close to 6 years. Sometimes I feel it's the closet people who will disappoint you the most, who will hurt you the most and you get the most heartaches from them. They can't talk things out properly.
I get all these from my friends. I just don't know why. I received a sms from Rachel today saying she don't want to be hyprocite towards me as in outside treat me very good and when I'm not around say all the bad things about me. Honestly, I have no idea what is wrong. I ask myself upteen times that what is wrong with me instead start pointing fingers at them. I've tried changing, I've changed for the better I hope. I have my own character and temperments.
Sometimes I just feel it's okay for me to give up the friendship. Really it's fine with me. Because it saves me a lot of heartaches. I don't live for the people around me. I live for God and for myself. Of course when I'm serving in a ministry I think of the people around me first before myself.
I hate all these kind of things. If they can't acceptance then fine. Take it or leave it. What else you want from me? I don't mind being alone. It's useless for me to cry like mad just because of some friendship problem.
It's all my fault then. I'm the biggest idiot in the world. I am always the bad guy wherever I go. Curse me then. Whatever that comes out from my mouth are bullshit, whatever I do are nonsensical. Why am I here then?
