Little me in a little world of mine...

2010-06-22T00:27:00.002+08:00

It really freaks me out to know that we like similar things!

I was finding it weird when you took 3 straws for the both of us and it turned out that you were using two straws! I have that habit of using two straws!

Nobody has ever asked me what number I like. Yeah I like 7 because it seems like a perfect number. Never mind about the black jeans and all. And colours, I didn't know yellow and blue are the opposite primary colours. Oh, too much of this makes me wonder if God is really trying to play a punk on me or what.

=)

2006-09-22T13:58:00.000+08:00

I'm at work feeling lousy. Not lousy because of my job (maybe to a little extend yes) but because I feel I'm at a loss. To such a point I feel my friends around me don't seem to care or bother about me. To them, I think, it's the people they like hanging out with.

Take for instance, 3 Sept, most of us (the usual same youth group) went to record a video for Simon to bid him farewell. After that they planned to go some where else but nobody asked me. And all they asked was ' You working at 6pm today right? ' I told them who said that I needed to work on that day but they assumed that I was working. For 3 times they asked and confirmed by themselves that I needed to work at 6pm. I was really upset and pissed. You didn't ask a question, you made a statement.

Just last week, Chang Feng had been wanting to get Rachel's number. I didn't want to give him because I know him as a friend and a person. I don't want my friends to get hurt because of this kind of guy. For 3 semesters I kept away from him and not wanting to give him Rachel's number. Eventually Rachel gave him her number in the end at her own account. The worse that I never to hear was from Chang Feng when he told me that Rachel asked him to consider me. For that moment I was really angry. First of all, Rachel know that he is not a Christian so how can u as a friend as non Christian to consider me? Was that meant to be an insult? Secondly, I've told her before how this guy is as a person and I know him since Poly year 1 . So why are you making a ball or some sale item?

On Rachel's birthday, someone gave her an Ipod. I asked who gave it to her and all her answer was "A friend". I honestly can't be bothered to probe further because if she can give me that kind of answer as a friend for so many years, I don't see the reason why she can't give me more ridiculous answers. (Anyway, I found out it was from Jian Long) SO? What's the problem here?

So what about blogs nowadays? Everyone is counting whose blog is more popular with a counter and every time a conversation starts, it will kick off with 'You got read my blog?' If blog have become your way to communicate then I think I don't need to talk to you anymore. Cause I just need to read your life. It doesn't makes sense to me. For goodness sake, my blog has been for 2 years. All these while I've never identified anyone in my blog because I want to keep a certain degree of privacy for you and for myself. I've never like to mention names and what more photos where everyone can see it. Every entry I wrote it with my heart and pride. Do you know that I spent 2 days writing the Ophir's entry? And just by one statement from Rachel in my tagboard it crushed me. She said I copied Emmie's blog. Come on, go take a super good look at hers and mine and do the comparison. I wrote EVERY SINGLE DETAILS and all Emmie wrote was 'TO CUT THE LONG STORY SHORT'. I know you have different people in your life that you want to just be super close with her. I still a human after all. DON'T TREAT ME LIKE A BALL, SPARE TYRE AND AN ALIEN!!

Honestly I asked myself many times whether is there a problem lies with me or with my friends? Joyce left church because of Daryl (that's one of the reasons) and because she also felt that her friends around her had changed. I totally agree with that and I can feel it too. So much about friendships for many years. There are many other incidents that happened which I guess I've long forgotten them. Maybe after so long, these are the most recent ones that really hurt me a lot.

Don't come and tell me that I'm your good friend and you treat me like a spare tyre. I'm not your toy for you be play with.

I'm really tired with the people around me. I can't be bothered to many many extend. You do what you like and don't come near me. Because I no longer trust you anymore. Get lost! I think I don't need you in my life. Somehow friends in Poly are better...

2006-09-13T13:41:00.000+08:00

Thank God for this session I had with Rev Irene East and Aunty Phemie. Rev Irene was the one who ministered to me on Monday (11 Sept 2006) in church office and Aunty Phemie just assisted her by prayers and listening to God. I was a little scared and not knowing what to expect. (I shouldn't be going with an expectation but after all it's my first time going through inner healing)

She did the back-to-the-womb experience with me and slowly going through each month and years as I grow up till now. I didn't really feel anything from the time I was conceived till I was 3 years old when she told me that she saw a tricycle and a little. It was me and my childhood days. When I entered my 4 years old as a child, I started to cry and many years after that wasn't like before anymore.

I just needed to cry and she told me to let it all out. She hugged me and said she understood. Somehow I could feel it that she really understood and God too. She prayed and anointed me while I was sitting down and I could feel this very strong force pushing me down and the next moment I was lying on the floor. I felt very sick and nauseous, I didn't puke but just kept burping and she said that was a sign of deliverance too - the spirit of air.

After lots of prayers and confessions my body just kept trembling uncontrollably. I could not control my body and I was lying down shaking hard. After that Aunty Phemie said something about dragon and the were casting out dragon out from me. Pastor Daniel and Aunty Cheng Suan came in later and they were praying for me too.

I really felt physically tired and draining after that. Spiritually I felt very filled and it seemed that my many years of burden had been taken away by God.

On Tuesday, I felt that I needed to cry some more. I was 'hugging' my Bible as I cried. I guess after so much of suppressing for all these years, there just need to have an outlet to come out.

Aunty Phemie called me just now and chatted for quite some time. She gave me the scriptures that were spoken to me and I jotted them down and made it into a card that I carried wherever I go now.

I really thank God for such a love because I know I'm set free and that God really loves me a lot. So much that I cannot imagine.

2006-08-12T01:33:00.000+08:00

I hope I don't make the same mistake again. God tell me, show me if he is the one. If he's not then get him out of my mind. I promise I will wait till I turn 21. Though he said he will wait, if he can't wait till I turn 21 then it's okay. God teach me, help me. I cannot afford to make the same mistake again. We will build our friendship these few years before we hear an answer from you. If doesn't mean that he is a Christian and I can just jump into any relationship. I cannot be desperate!!

2006-03-10T23:56:00.000+08:00

Finally after 2 months (the last time I saw Daddy was on the 8th Jan 2006) of waiting, we finally met up. I had cell in the afternoon today so my night was pretty free. I called him and he said he would call me back.

Finally when he called, it was in the evening and he was on his way home. Well, I reminded him that not every Friday I am that free. So I went dinner at bison Junction 8 with Eunice. He called again but I didn't get to hear my phone ring because the reception was very poor. I called him back and guess what, he was in Bishan Junction 8 too.

So we met up and he drove me to CHIJMIES for a drink. Very nice Irish pub, with less smoke and we had beer, silken. Very nice beer too, doesn't leave any after-taste kind of feeling. I didn't think I was any drunk though I was very red. I had one pine and he had two. We chatted and stuffs, catching up. He put on a little weight.

After that we called Michael and wanted to play pool. When we reached pool junction, it was so packed that we decided not to play and wanted to go other places to chill. But we couldn't get any nice places so he dropped us at gelling and he went back home. He was very tired.

I really enjoyed this belated birthday celebration. Yeah..

2005-12-06T01:03:00.000+08:00

I did a very sinful thing today. I skipped school. Well, skipping school is not any big deal but asking my friend to sign for me is a sin.

Anyway, I can't blog is in that blog if not everyone will scold me. So for the sake of my ears, I'll just write it here. Pastor Gordon called and then we chatted for a while. I was so bored that I didn't want to go for lecture because I was pretty tired too. He then decided to pick me up and bring me to somewhere. At first he said if I skip school, don't ever tell him. Anyway, he told me about his school days, he sleeps in lecture too. Haha, no big deal right?!

We went to Orchard road and he asked where to go for a cup of drink, I then suggested for a movie and then we went to Sun Tec for Harry Potter. It was a pretty boring show, but some parts I was simply too afraid to watch that I covered my face.

After the movie he drove me back to school. I had that every 'sian' feeling that I just wished I could go back home to rest. The lab was so tough I almost wanted to give up.

I'm getting ready for tomorrow's training. Yeah..

Now can you imagine if James were to read all these? What about Aunty Cheng Suan? I think my head will roll. Badly.. Hehe..

2005-11-24T17:59:00.000+08:00

I've been struggling with my friends and myself. I have the tendancy to compare myself with others and then it leads to self-acceptance.

For the people in my church, some I've known for close to 6 years. Sometimes I feel it's the closet people who will disappoint you the most, who will hurt you the most and you get the most heartaches from them. They can't talk things out properly.

I get all these from my friends. I just don't know why. I received a sms from Rachel today saying she don't want to be hyprocite towards me as in outside treat me very good and when I'm not around say all the bad things about me. Honestly, I have no idea what is wrong. I ask myself upteen times that what is wrong with me instead start pointing fingers at them. I've tried changing, I've changed for the better I hope. I have my own character and temperments.

Sometimes I just feel it's okay for me to give up the friendship. Really it's fine with me. Because it saves me a lot of heartaches. I don't live for the people around me. I live for God and for myself. Of course when I'm serving in a ministry I think of the people around me first before myself.

I hate all these kind of things. If they can't acceptance then fine. Take it or leave it. What else you want from me? I don't mind being alone. It's useless for me to cry like mad just because of some friendship problem.

It's all my fault then. I'm the biggest idiot in the world. I am always the bad guy wherever I go. Curse me then. Whatever that comes out from my mouth are bullshit, whatever I do are nonsensical. Why am I here then?

I.n.t.e.r.n.s C.a.m.p

2005-10-12T19:51:00.000+08:00

I just came back from my interns’ camp. There are so many things that I need to thank God for; first of all, a blessing from God that someone had paid for my camp fee, then the people and company God has placed, the knowledge and skills God has taught us through our pastor, the environment, and the place. I thank God for my pastor and my fellow peers in this camp because they have been a blessing to me.

This camp I learnt about self-awareness, how to be a lid-lifter, what role does everyone play in a team and many other things. I think the most important is not just how much we learnt and feel good and spiritually high after the camp, but the team to share a common vision to what we can do for the youths in the future and work towards it and not just empty talking. Otherwise all the effort trying to put us together will go to waste.

I really enjoyed this camp, it's not just memorial and fun, I felt heavy burden after that. I just wish I could do more but I know I can't do it with all my strength. I need God's strength and God's directions. I was targetted for the worse sabotage session on the second evening. It was one where I literally fought with all my strength with Pastor Gordon, who is so huge in size as compared to me. It was the night where I didn't use my hands, but my mouth (I actually bit him) and my legs (to push him off when he pinned me down on the floor and on the bed with Daphne). By the way, thanks to people who got involved to sabo me. It was very funny. I felt so tired after that because it really burnt off a lot of my energy. Thank God he didn't stay overnight for the 2 nights if not I guess all of us won't have to sleep but will force ourselves to stay up late so not to be one of his main target for sabotage.

This entry was supposed to be in my main blog but James called and said that somethings shouldn't be there as I guess he was thinking of Pastor Gordon's reputation too as a Senior Pastor.

Tell me to stop thinking about such things...

2005-09-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

Though it's just an hour alone with you, I feel so happy. I'm really scared that I will like you. I can't, I really can't. I know you don't want it too. I'll try, really trust me. While walking to NTUC, I almost wanted to tell you the story about Mun and I, the moments we had in NTUC, but I held back. I'm glad I didn't tell you yet. You said next time when you have a girlfriend you will want to try having to go with her, spending time with her to supermart. It's funny right?

I like your maturity, it makes me feel secure. I like your shyness and quietness, it simply makes me think what you are thinking in your mind.

Tell me that I have a covenent, tell me that I can't like anybody that includes you. Tell me that I need to hang on to what I believe and give it to God. Tell me that I need to wait patiently for God and His plans. Tell me that we cannot be together even if you are still in Singapore. Tell me that I need to be realistic.

I need a time out. I can't think of you anymore. It will just be another crush. Nothing else. I just want a friendship.

I'm struggling but I know I can overcome it

2005-08-16T13:03:00.000+08:00

When everyone around me are attached, do you ever wonder how I feel? It's terrible. It's scary. I'm struggling. I'm afraid of peer pressure, I'm afraid that I will make mistakes again.

Everyone is writing their boyfriends and girlfriends in their blog, the moments they have together and all the sweet sweet things they do together. I understand, I once had that kind of experience too. My blog just consists of things I want to share, probably even my experiences. It's dull but I know I write logical things too.

I need to be honest with myself and with God. 3 years, it's not very long neither is it short. I want to keep my 3 years for God and be fully used by Him. I want to use these 3 years to shine for Him, to know Him better.

I don't want to be tempted. I don't want a boyfriend because everyone has. I don't want to choose it on my own, I want Him to choose it for me.

I will wait and I must wait, paitently wait for Him to give me as I seek Him more each day.
God help me please as I wait on You...

a C.R.U.S.H.

2005-07-18T11:39:00.000+08:00

I must admit, though sometimes I do miss him, I miss the times we had together, the favourite places we went, the company we had, the fun and laughter and the "adventurous" things that we did together, it has no get into me that much after all.

To be very very honest, I sort of forgotten about him and I have changed my target. (Opps!) I had a crush on this guy who is one year older than me, a very good guitarist but I think we won't have any result.

I once told God that I want my husband to be my prayer partner, my best friend, soul mate, who will love God, love me, responsible, appreciates me and love me. We have to complement each other. He must be older than me preferrably 4-5 years older than me, one who will honour and repect me just as I will do so too. I hope the year when I turn 21, he will seek counsel and permission from Pastor Gordon and my parents to be together.

I'm praying for God to prepare me and him till the day we meet and be together that our relationship will be a God-honouring one. I have my 3 year covenent.

I am reminded that inner beauty is more beautiful than outer beauty. I'm waiting for God's plans for me.

Forgiven.

2005-06-29T01:04:00.000+08:00

The reason why I haven't blog in here for so long (by the way, it's 3 months) it's because I don't want myself to be reminded of anything to do with him. Simple. Period.

Sometimes I do think of him and stuffs like that. The recent one (happened in May) that really made me blow up was when I knew he actually cheated on me. Remember Pastor Gordon said no relationship for a year, apparently Mark said he actually has have/had a girlfriend in March. That made me real pissed off cause where on earth can he find one? He is serving his NS during that time.

It really made me think real hard and the more I think the more I'm not eliminating the possibilities that he was two-timing me. I was real angry and I told Pastor Gordon that I regretted not to give him one tight slap that day when we sat on in the office 6 months back.

Anyway, my anger didn't last long. Apparently, it only took me a week to recover. Fast right? I was taken aback with my own response too when I look back. It shows that it really doesn't matter to me anymore.

2 Sundays back, I actually went up to him just to tell him that I don't want to carry the burden anymore cause it's too heavy for me to carry and I have totally forgiven him. His reaction was just one word 'ok'. And he went on saying that I was very brave and it certainly took me a lot of courage to say that to him.

In my heart I went "You mean you are admitting that you are a coward?" Anyway, it really shows how much I've grown out of it. My cell members saw it and they were happy for me. I feel happy too to be able to forgive someone who hurt me so deeply.

At least I know, I've learnt a lesson... A painful one...

I won't want to go through something like that ever again. Anyway, I have a covenant for 3 years. If I ever got into any relationship after I turn 21, it will all be recorded in here..

It's totally over..

2005-03-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

It has been almost a month since I last blog here. This one month has been pretty exciting. I started Bible Study with Aunty Cheng Suan and Sharon with some other people. I started keyboard lesson with Delia. I really had done so much this month. In fact, I'm all so ready to give up and let go and simply moved on.

Mun went to NS and he was out today. During the past two weeks especially, I do miss him and think about him. I sms him yet I know though he replied, it's not from him. I was kind of worried, sad, not at my right mood. I told God and I tell myself that I'm not going to let the feeling grow inside me. I asked God to take it away if he's not mine. True enough, today God did it.

I was out with Senthil and then later he said he is meeting Mun and Guo Quan. I realized that the one who replied my sms was not him but his friend. I'm really disappointed with him. I think God showed me that he is not the one for me. I began to realize that he is not the Mun whom I knew, whom I once deeply in love with. I know it's really for sure that I'm letting go 100%.

The sarcasm that he made, the way he talked, he behaved. I'm utterly disappointed. I know that God has answered my prayers. He took it away. Just before my baptism.

I bare not hatred, not bad feelings. I'm more than willing to let go than ever. I guess, I won't want a friend like him. Not serious at all. So why should I still hold on to something that I shouldn't be hanging on to? Now I think back, memorizes will still be memorizes. Some things cannot be replaced, some things cannot be erased. But some things that meant to be broken have to be. I'll really leave it to God and I'll never bring it back again.

That's the end of my story with Mun and I. From now onwards, his name will not be mentioned by me ever again.

It's going to be over soon.. I promised

2005-02-26T01:16:00.000+08:00

The feelings are fading away. The heartache is going away soon. It will soon be over, this time I promised. I hurt God so much that I'm really guilty. I surrendered everything and said I will follow Him all of my days. He said He had great and perfect plan for me. I'll wait, I'll obey, I'll follow.

God want to deal with me in other areas, in ministries, friends. I believe as Rachel and Kenneth are beginning to start one, I'll be very careful in handling with Rachel because I really foresee she following my footstep, it's like a repeat telecast. Whatever she had said and told people, I've said it and done it before. So I honestly won't be surprise if anything bad were to happen.

I just pray and place my hope in Jesus for all of my days..

2005-02-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

I went out with Zelig today and guess what, I was so near our favourite place. So many memorises came back. I really miss those days.

Mun, can we be friends again? I'm not asking for any commitment from you, just friends. "Hi, I'm Michelle, you are"Or should it be, "Hi, how have you been? Busy?"

I'm willing to wait, 5 years, 10 years. I just want you to know that I really love you, I really want to be with you. Mun, will you please come back to me? Can we start afresh again as friends then see if things work out again. This time round be really accountable. Can we?

Did you receive the unsent message? Do you know how I feel? Can you tell me what's going through your mind? Mun, I really love you for who you are. I really do. Please don't leave me.

God, you see my heart. Will you give him back to me? I promise to be good. Please don't be so cruel to me.

Life's like a drama...

2005-02-23T00:49:00.000+08:00

I went there just now, maybe I was hoping to see you. But I really missed that place that's why I decided to go there alone. A lot of memorises came back. The last time when we were there, it was almost half a year ago. It was that long. We were there looking at the lights, kissing and you had to go running so we didn't stay for long.

This time round I was there alone. Really alone. At first I was scared. Later I found out that actually that place is just very quiet but not a very dangerous place. Mark told me you would be there but I calculated the time and I think I won't see you at all. I kept turning back to see if I would really see you. Just as I had already given up and told myself I won't see you at all, you appeared. My heart beat doubled it's usual rate. I thought you would pretend that you didn't see me, cause that's was what I intended to do. But you gave that shocking face, smiled, whisper a soft hi and a small wave. I smiled back too.

I was really keeping my fingers cross that I won't see you. So much that I when I want to see you, you didn't appear but when I've given up, you appeared. What's this?

Life is like a drama. I totally agree. I'm like acting a series now. I don't know what's going to happen next. Will you come back or will I happily married someone else? It's so drama.

2005-02-18T00:58:00.000+08:00

I'm missing that place again. The other time when we were there, it was so long ago. I want to go there again. It's okay to be there alone but I wish I won't see you there.

Why can't I love the person I love?
Why can't I be the fortunate one to love him?
Why give him then take him away from me?
I know I can't let go, cause I really love him too much.

Mun, did you receive that unsent message that I want to tell you? You won't, never will receive it cause it's written it in my heart. I know you are going to be enlisted soon, I know I really won't see you for some time. I know you had clear forgotten about me. I know. Since the day that you said all those more hurtful things to me, I knew it already.

But I want you to know that I've never dropped you before. It was my fault. If I haven't been stubborn, if I haven't been dependent on you. Do you know how much I want to tell you that maybe we should start afresh again as friends. I know we will not be together again, it's impossible but what I really treasure was the company that we ever had. The time that we spent together even when we were not together. Is that very difficult? You said you won't close the door from me, but apparently you are. It really hurts.

When are you going in? When will I see you again? When will I ever get a chance to talk to you again? If only we have waited, things wouldn't be the same anymore.

2005-02-16T02:25:00.000+08:00

Suddenly I miss Harrys so much. The last time we went there was in July. It has been more than half a year. Will I ever go there again? Alone? With you? Guess it's quite impossible to go with you. I remembered during our time out, I told you that you should bring some girls there but I will never bring any of my friends there because it's our favourite place and you said you would but later I know, you wouldn't too.

I really wonder now if you still goes there? Did you bring anyone else there? Still, I have no say over such things. I really wish I could go there with you again. You said we would go during our holidays and it has been so long already.

Mun, I really miss you. I wish I could spend my Valentine's Day with you at Harrys. I wish we could be together on such a lovely and romantic day. Will you come back to me again? I just wish we could still be like before, able to hold long conversations. It's not that we can't do that again, but it takes time. I don't want just to walk pass you and nothing is said and just a fake smile from you and me. I want to talk to you too. I want to hear your voice, your crappy-ness, your laughs.

Can you no be so cold towards me? Can we be friends? Just friends. Is that so much to ask for? I'm really hoping, praying...

Just needed to tell you...

2005-02-13T23:42:00.000+08:00

As I was walking towards Ronnie just to say hi and do some catch up with him, you were there, sitting alone. The strange thing was there wasn't anyone there to block my view away from you. I walked along the empty tiles, when I saw you, I really have no idea where to look and no idea why I looked at you and gave a smile. Though you smiled back, I felt that that wasn't the smile that you and I wanted. Memorizes flashed back. We could chat for hours last time but now, it has reached the point of just a smile, not even a hi.

No matter how much I condemned you, how jerk you are to me do you know that I didn't mean it from my heart. There is simply too much that I needed to tell you how much I love you dear, how much I miss you dear, how much I long to bring you back for Chinese New Year, how much I hope to spend my Valentine's Day with you tomorrow. Do you know all these? You don't. Probably you never will.
Cause you never love me at all. You said you will not leave me, but you did.

You know told God that I want you back. I did. I asked God for you. Sometimes I just wish we could be like before- so much to talk about but now, simply nothing, not even a hi.

Are you willing to start all over again as friends? I'll wait for your answer...

If it wasn't you, nothing would happen...

2005-02-12T23:36:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year has been almost the same to me. However, this year is different.
It's a sense of lost, sense of saddness...

When I see my cousins bringing their boy/girlfriend back for visitation, my heart hurts. I look back and wonder why things can't be the way I want it to be and stuffs. My relatives asked too. They ask why didn't I bring my boyfriend back. I so much wanted to too. But I can't. I simply can't do anything.

So much that I even dream that he would be back to me, telling me he regretted, sending regards to my parents. The nasty me would say, it's okay. I've told my parents you are long dead.

I'm dreaming too much, hoping too much. I know that deep inside me, it will never ever happen at all.

I realised too. It's has nothing to do with me, but everything dependant and God.

God spoke..

2005-02-05T01:14:00.000+08:00

God spoke to me just now. He said that He wants to bring me up to a higher level in worship. This means it will require more discipline and consecration in my life. But I have to bear this in mind that it is expensive to be effective. Be wise to count the cost and willing to pay the price. Preparation and moulding is essential for longevity in ministry. Those who are promoted quickly also fall quickly.

To be very honest, I don't quite understand the second part of it. One very important thing that I've learnt is that, God really loves me so much that He is giving me a lot of opportunity to grow with Him and in Him. He didn't forsake me, neither did He condemn me because I've sin against Him. I know for sure that things that I've been hanging on, I have to let go.

I need to let go so that God can make use of me, so that He can work in me. I really need time. That's all I ask for. Give me time, more time so that I can let go and move on. I'm trying, really I am. Please don't doubt me.

I want to let go that fish that I've caught. So much that I want to forgive and forget. Give me more time please...

I'm happy to see him back in cell. At least I know he is in Victor's cell. May God bless him and guide him.

Once a sinner, not always a sinner with Jesus Christ...

2005-02-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

Everyone has sin, admit it. Be it knowingly, unknowingly, darkest sin, small sin, things that are said or done. I have sins too. My darkest sin is probably that I will never forget.

When Mun Loon and I were together, we did things that were not pleasing to God. Things that we shouldn't have done at all. Like many couples will do, holding hands, kissing. We did all that. We had deep kissing, physical touch, we did so many things, EXCEPT SEX. To be very very honest, we almost, almost did that, but we didn't. I am still a virgin.

This is not something that I should be proud of definitely. Though towards last year, God told me that He has forgiven me and made me pure that I can come back to Him, to me, I feel very tough. I cannot forgive myself for what I've done. I'm not a good girl, I not only disobey Him, I did something that really breaks His heart. I don't know how to tell others how sorry I am to God.

Many people told me that I'm not going through this alone, very comforting words. I thank God for them because it really was of great help. However some things just aren't so easy to let go. Images will come back now and then. Honestly, the more I think of it, the more guilty I get. I wish it didn't happen at all. The worse thing was while all the kissing and stuffs was going on, he said he love me. But the day we broke up, he told Pastor Gordon that love is a very strong word. At that point of time, all I can think of is that he betrayed my trust, my feelings. After all the things he had done to me, after so much that I've given him, all I got back was just apology.

If he had been fair to me, I won't suffer so much now. He seems to have move on. Guys, nothing but jerks. All this seem nothing to him, but it means a lot to me. That's why I really find it hard to let go. That's why I really find it so hard to let go. He is my first relationship, someone whom I really love. So much time, effort put in, it just all seem to go to waste. It's tiring too.

Friends, please don't force your way out to get me healed. I want to get heal too. I want to get out of this too. I know you care, thanks for all your love, prayers, care and concern. I really thank God for all of you.

Unless you really been through it what I've gone through, then you will fully understand how it feels.

When will this end?

2005-01-30T20:53:00.000+08:00

When I see your back disappearing right in front of me, my eyes loses it's focus. Where had you gone? Every time I wish to see you at the particular place, guessing you would be there, at that particular time, but you didn't appear... Not at all.

Today, I happen to bum into you twice. Whenever I'm at the MRT station, I wish to 'happen' to see you, but it just won't happen. Today, when I see you and you see me too, there wasn't any 'hi', there wasn't even a smile, not even a eye contact. It breaks my heart. I didn't want to see you too. Very simple, you won't talk to me, I won't talk to you.

I appeared very cool. I decided to give that train a miss. Watching you simply move on, leaving me behind. I stopped and let you go. I waited for the next train. My heart really hurts. All I see is your back and nothing else. Things I hope for, didn't come true. Things I didn't expect to see, it happened.

What is this? Drama? Game? It's not fun at all.

Eeyore.
The whole world seem to be telling me to just give away that eeyore you gave me. I have 5 now though. I never thought of throwing it away, I never thought that it would bring back any memorizes because I know I like eeyore. But last night, for the very first time, I hug that eeyore he gave me and I cried. I cried so hard.
Memorize came back. I don't know why, but it did. It's not easy. God help me.

When is this really going to end?

I wish...

2005-01-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

I wish you were here in my midst
I wish you were the one walking me home
I wish you were the one I last talk to before I pray and sleep
I wish to hear your voice
I wish to see you
I wish you would give me that look like before
I wish I wish...

I wonder how have you been, new look, new hair, new shades. You really seem to move on. I'm glad for you. Honestly, the sight of you make me want to cry. The sight of you every Sunday makes me feels uncomfortable.

Every Sunday, I will look at the exit sign and wait. In my heart, I so much want to see you. When you appeared, I feel happy yet sad. I'm glad you still come to church. But after taking that glance at you, my heart aches and I tell myself I don't want to see you anymore.

You seem so near, yet so far. Whenever you take the initiative to talk to Rachel, Irene, Daphne, Daryl, I will walk away. I know you won't talk to me either. I will overhear what you have to say, I'm really trying very hard not to even hear what you have to say to them.

If it wasn't because of the camp, we would still be friends now, better friends.

When will this end? When will we become friends again? Or will we not at all? I don't deny still having feelings for you. But there is nothing wrong liking someone whom I really like. Why are you doing this to me? Why not you just disappear from me and let me not see you again, never ever again.

If I would to turn the time back, I will still choose you... Because I really love you.

My world... my reveal...

2005-01-29T01:49:00.000+08:00

This is a very super private blog that I've created. It's not meant for everyone to see but if there is a need to, I'll reveal it. Here is where I will reveal my true self, here is where I will reveal names, frustrations will truly show. It's probably for me, myself even God to see. It will be total transparent here.

I read Mark's private blog the other day. I was tearing after reading it. Because I realised how similar the process that we are going through / had gone through.

It has been 2 months and 1 week since Mun Loon and I broke up. These so many days have gone. These days are like hell to me. I work day and night, tuitions after tuitions, tutorials after tutorials trying to numb myself. I ask myself why he wants to do this to me, why just drop me like that. All the why-s.

Is he trying to play with my feelings? Toying me? After all the sweet talks then just a "I'm sorry", "love is a very strong word" and wash off everything? I can't accept that.

Honestly, whenever I pass by my favourite place at Woodlands in the train, I will think of him. I will think of our favourite place that we used to go twice a month (Harrys). It was a promise given to me that we would go during our holidays but that was an empty one. It didn't happen and we broke off.
He said he would cook for me, but an empty container given to him, it was given to me back empty.

What's a time out? And it all ended with a break up. Every night after my tuition, I just wish my handphone would ring, even a sms would do from him. But it never happen. It won't happen every again.

I love him too much. So much that I think I love him for than I love God. I'm guilty of that. To think that he is such a jerk, I still like him.

Even now, at my healing process, I cannot bring myself to face him. At some point I do hate him, I never want to see him, mentions of his name from my friends and I even wanted to run away from church. But I told myself I can't let this stop me from serving God in my ministry.

I really wish we didn't break up. I really wish we can be together again. The photo that we took, still in my phone. I can't even bear to sell it away. So many times, I wish I could share my joy, pains with you. But I know I can't.

I guess you have forgotten about us. I guess you have moved on. Probably you have found someone better than me. I wanted the friendship so much, but I guess you didn't want it at all. No more eye contacts, no more msn chats, no more sms, no more phone calls. It has been entirely cut off. Totally. But I can still remember your number, your email, your everything.